Taking One For The Team

We've all done it. Call me and optimist, but despite all of the ugliness and evil that surrounds us everywhere, the Soapbox firmly believes that, beneath the selfishness, behind the backstabbing, there lies in all of us streaks of greatness and nobility... Whether it's telling the lady ahead of us in self checkout that she forgot her cash back in the dispenser, or not hitting it with the emotionally vulnerable friend who works at Hooters because she is genuinely trying to become a better person, to not giving the Hawaiian peace sign to the asshole in the minivan who just cut us off because he has small children in the car, I believe that there are times when all of us show glimmers of nobility that are far too often unnoticed and unrecognized...

Understanding the inspirational nature of the telling of these noble acts, I shall bless your lives by sharing one of mine...

"Just take one for the team..." We've all heard it. Most of us, unless you're pure evil, have done it. Like the urinal rule, it's one of those unwritten, but written in stone golden rule/kharma laws that men live by. Under "taking one for the team" a friend agrees to undergo humiliation, hang out with the ugly friend, get his ass kicked in a bar fight, all in the name of friendship and, with the understanding that the favor would one day be returned in like manner.

That said, this past weekend, as you all know, was Halloween, and I, the soapbox, being a true child of the night embrace the dark holiday often coming up with four or five amazing ideas well in advance of the magic night. Sifting through such awe-inspiring ensembles ranging from Weird Al in "Eat It", to Shonuff (my homage to this 80's martial arts/blaxploitation classic), to a member of the Black Panther Party, I'd settled on a last minute stroke of genius; Kenny Powers from HBO's Eastbound and Down. *for those of you not familiar with the show, it's the story of a redneck baseball phenom and his fall from grace. Picture what probably happened to John Rocker and there you go. Funny premise, and even funnier with Danny McBride starring as Kenny Powers, it's one you shouldn't watch unless you are extremely thick skinned. One episode can even leave the soapbox feeling a little yucky with its overboard vulgarity. I can only watch parts of it. You have been warned....*

Anyways, my idea was to wear all black, get a black gheri curl mullet, and let maybe 85% of the party crowd ask me who I was with 15% of the crowd instantly getting it, cracking up, and begging for a picture to post on facebook. Couple of problems with that, however; first, I wasn't going alone. I was going with my old buddy, Bert, who you might have remembered from the movie theater debacle... When going with a buddy, having a mutual theme always helps. Second problem was, the party we would be going to was a church party, meaning that the 15% of party guests that would recognize my Kenny Powers getup would be reduced to maybe 4%, which could be a blessing in disguise seeing that any hot girl that would recognize the outfit and the genius behind it would be a naughty church girl, but mainly being a problem as half the night would be spent explaining the costume to people who would instantly be offended or later be offended when they went home and looked the show up on youtube.

That being said, I talked to Bert, who said that his girlfriend and her girlfriends were going to take care of the costumes and that all I needed to do was wear all black. He wasn't 100% sure what the idea was, just said something about America's Best Dance Crew and his girlfriend's hot friends. It wasn't as cool as Kenny Power's, but Bert's my boy and the hot friends lessened the blow so I went with it.

I rolled over to Bert's at the appointed time dressed in the requisite black and having made lemonade out of the not-cool-as-my-idea costume with the promise of getting in good with the hot friends. When we went over to his lady's house, that's when my Halloween nightmare began....

Either the hot friends had decided to dress up as fat girls or I'd been terribly duped, because I walked into the house to find a whole bunch of broad backs being covered by a whole lotta costume material and not enough make-up. One of the ducers actually made a comment about wishing that she could do something about her waist. I was about to whole heartedly agree when I realized that she was referring to her costume.

As for the costumes.......... When he said America's Best Dance Crew, I pictured those Asian breakdancers, the Jabberwokies (forgive the spelling folks), and, remembering that they'd performed with Shaq and wore cool masks, was pretty ok with the concept. Apparently, old Bert hadn't been paying his phone bill and had bad reception when they were telling him about the costumes, because the idea was to be more like a "glee" club with homemade costumes and not like the one on TV with the hot cheerleaders. Everything not gay in me wanted to run far away, but Bert was my boy, and he'd just hooked me up with a bunch of lortab for my back (not a druggie folks, I just tweaked it working out and had been in severe pain) so I dutifully sat while the ladies applies fake suspenders and fuzzy bracelets.

I kept telling myself that it wouldn't be too bad, that it would be really dark, and that we could just disappear into the crowd. I was so wrong... So very wrong.

At a Halloween party, you want people to look at you. Dressed as Kenny Powers, I would have enjoyed the inquisitive looks of the innocent, the disapproving glances of the knowing, and the high fives from the very not innocent, but the looks I got as I walked into that room will haunt my dreams for years. Their eyes told stories of pity, of mockery, of "oh please don't come talk to me you weirdo", and I could feel every pair of eyes look at me in a slow, arduous social castration. The girlfriend's two friends that dialed in under two bills quickly disappeared into the crowd. My good buddy, who already had a girlfriend and guaranteed action proceeded to dance the night away. After a couple of attempts to socialize and explain my costume, I let the lortab take the wheel and found a quiet chair in the shadows for the last half hour of the party.

Looking back, I realized that Bert, since he already had a lady, didn't need me to take one for the team, and that Kenny Powers, offensive and unrecognizeable to so many would been a thousand times better.

With my mojo reserves back down to a critical level, I'm gonna take the next couple of days and regroup. Luckily the Yankees have opened up a can in the World Series, and a forecast of beautiful weather for the rest of the week will allow me to get in some good workouts.

In an attempt to illustrate what could have been and the hopelessness of my situation, and in keeping with my tradition of sharing awesome videos, I give you this masterpiece: