Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Old Wounds Still Stinging

Gonna have to apologize beforehand folks out there in cyberspace, because today I'm going to deviate from my usual upbeat rhythm and rhyme...

Remember how, a few posts ago, I talked about the ability of a smell, a sound or some other trigger to take us back to a specific place and time? Usually, for the old soapbox, that's a good thing. Whole lotta great memories to relive at opportune moments. Unfortunately, those same triggers can sometimes take us back to unhappy places; a breakup perhaps or even the death of a loved one...

I saw a face today, just a picture actually, that took me back to my divorce last year. Yeah, I flunked marriage the first time around. Tried to get it right but it just didn't take. I've broken bones, gotten dumped, lost jobs, been arrested, heck, I've even been shot at, but none of that compares to the pain of being divorced.

You see, when you get married, part of the contract is that you will be loyal to each other first and foremost, and that the other person will be put first. Well, it didn't work out that way for me. Loyalty, along with trust and respect were never part of our not so blessed union. Wish I could blame everything on her, but there are volumes of things that I messed up. Don't get me wrong gang.... Old Soapie was never an abuser, never a cheater, and I didn't have some weird porn addiction either. I was just very new to the job and brought a whole bunch of imperfections with me. Things that I wish I could have done better.

What hurts the most, however, is the whole betrayal end of it... I found out from the start that my wife was never in my corner, and I found out (although I'd suspected all along) that her heart had reserved space for another, and after the divorce, I saw her eventually marry him. By the time we were ready for divorce, I was pretty done with her, but I still loved her, and when I found out that they were getting married, it pierced me to the very core.

The healing process has been slow, but steady and I've been feeling like my old self a little bit at a time until recently when I realized that I might have to face someone from that past in the near future. Thinking about it, what he'll probably tell everyone he knows (and mind you, they will be all lies) just puts a black pit in my stomach. Funny thing is, its not a problem of physical intimidation. I could knock the little bastard into next week. Its just having to deal with the gossip and false rumors about something that was already painful enough as it was.

It was such a dark time.... So many hours in painful silence or burying my face in pillows so that no one could hear my sobs. I never want to go back there again. I can't even begin to describe it.

Sorry if this brings you down, but it helps to talk about it abeit not in too much detail mind you... (I treasure the anonymity of cyberspace) Anyways, when it comes to pain, I believe in letting it all out, and music is a big part of that. So I thought I'd give you a taste of some of my depressed music.

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